Happy Birthday Bicht
Today is my 48th Birthday. I am in Iraq … again.
I’ve spent too many birthdays of my own and of my children away from home. It is sad to state that the past almost 8 years have been for naught and has only brought pain to myself, my children and others that have been in that circle of convoluted trust. With the changes that are upon me, I grow more and more tired. Recent life events have worn me down and dulled my mind, wit, energy as well as confused the priorities of what is important in life. This work that I’ve done for the past 7+ years had brought me many friends, skills and afforded me the opportunity to expand many options in life. And with one felling swoop, all appears to be gone. Promises broken. Life changes. When is it time to “call it”? I think it is now.
Things in my life have either fallen apart or have fallen into place; depends on the view of who is looking in. I am not sure what the future holds for me, but I do not look forward to much of anything anymore. The reason for being here has died and moved along its own path. My time here is well past the get-out-now moment, but yet this is all the constant I know and have left. I am tired. So very very tired. I want out. The need to be wanted and loved, to love, to care and feel good is gone now. My lifeboat is adrift right now and I feel as if I am in the Bermuda Triangle; no fuel, no sail, no oar, compass spinning and that salt water is looking really good to quench my thirst. This feeling will change on a dime. It will go away and then haunt those few hours I sleep at night. This feeling comes from nowhere, no trigger and with a ferocity of only which black holes are made.
Yes, this is depression, I know this music. Time to dance.
I’ve spent too many birthdays of my own and of my children away from home. It is sad to state that the past almost 8 years have been for naught and has only brought pain to myself, my children and others that have been in that circle of convoluted trust. With the changes that are upon me, I grow more and more tired. Recent life events have worn me down and dulled my mind, wit, energy as well as confused the priorities of what is important in life. This work that I’ve done for the past 7+ years had brought me many friends, skills and afforded me the opportunity to expand many options in life. And with one felling swoop, all appears to be gone. Promises broken. Life changes. When is it time to “call it”? I think it is now.
Things in my life have either fallen apart or have fallen into place; depends on the view of who is looking in. I am not sure what the future holds for me, but I do not look forward to much of anything anymore. The reason for being here has died and moved along its own path. My time here is well past the get-out-now moment, but yet this is all the constant I know and have left. I am tired. So very very tired. I want out. The need to be wanted and loved, to love, to care and feel good is gone now. My lifeboat is adrift right now and I feel as if I am in the Bermuda Triangle; no fuel, no sail, no oar, compass spinning and that salt water is looking really good to quench my thirst. This feeling will change on a dime. It will go away and then haunt those few hours I sleep at night. This feeling comes from nowhere, no trigger and with a ferocity of only which black holes are made.
Yes, this is depression, I know this music. Time to dance.
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